How Rivalries Are Born
by curiosity-killed-the-cat-58
Summary: Edward Elric was an alchemist who prided himself on his maturity, his military ranking, and above all, his dignity. Which Colonel Mustang had then proceeded to stomp over with all the grace of a mountain gorilla. And thus, the pranking wars begin
1. Chapter 1

**A/N:** This is my first FMA fanfic, so please review and let me know what you think!

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1. The Invisible Door

Edward Elric was an alchemist who prided himself on his maturity, his military ranking, and above all, his dignity.

Which Colonel Mustang had then proceeded to stomp over with all the grace of a mountain gorilla.

He would never forget the moment when he was humiliated. It had burned itself onto his brain for all eternity.

_Ha! That's not the Fullmetal Alchemist, he's the shrimp of a boy over there!_

Ed growled. _Mustang… _

Which is precisely why he decided to throw away his maturity, rank and dignity – all for his revenge.

His shoulders shook with silent laughter as he carefully took out the panes of glass from the door in front of him, leaving the wooden frame intact.

Why this door, I hear you ask?

After weeks of careful calculations and patient stalking, he had finally discovered that this was the door Mustang was guaranteed to walk through – to go to the most important meeting of his career.

"Hey, brother? I don't think this is good idea."

"Nonsense, Al. It's a great idea! I'm done anyway. Now all we have to do…is wait."

Alphonse Elric couldn't help but notice how much his brother looked like a pixie as he tiptoed away.

…

"They're waiting for you, sir." Riza said.

"Right." Mustang made his way through to the conference room where the Fuhrer and a dozen other military officials waited.

He smoothed down his uniform, straightened his back and cleared his throat importantly before beginning his grand entrance into the room. He strode forward, the picture of sophistication, and raised a hand to push against the glass in front of him.

His hand passed right through.

"What the –"

Barely able to register his surprise, he pitched forward and landed flat on his face before the Fuhrer.

He heard muffled laughter from behind him and he growled.

"FULLMETAL!"

And thus the war began.


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: **Chapter 2 is up! Thanks to RubyRainAlchemist and im an evil dudette223 for being my first followers :)

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2. Mustang's Revenge

Mustang crept silently into the library, shiftily looking around him to make sure Ed hadn't seen him. He inched his way around the shelves of books to where the alchemist had made his lair.

There. Ed was lying across three seats, a book lying open on his face. Mustang dropped a couple of books to check he was asleep for sure. The young alchemist gave a loud snore in response and turned on his side – he was now on the very edge of the seats.

Mustang grinned. This would be easier than he thought. He slipped a tin of firecrackers under the seat by Ed's head and moved a safe distance away.

He pulled on his white gloves, and snapped his fingers. Immediately, the firecrackers sprang to life, exploding in huge bursts sending sparks everywhere.

Ed's eyes snapped open and he yelled, thrashing around on his makeshift bed. The chair rocked dangerously.

That's when Mustang noticed the last firecracker, conveniently placed just by the chair leg.

He snapped his fingers.

The resulting bang unbalanced the chair, sending its contents toppling to the floor in an ungainly heap. Said contents were still yelling, serving only to get himself tangled under the row of chairs. His hair was standing on end, his new mohawk making him look faintly unicorn-ish.

Then the bookshelf behind the young alchemist groaned. And tilted forward. Mustang smiled and casually walked out next to it.

"Colonel! No, don't, come on, it's me!" Ed pleaded.

He rested his hand innocently on the shelf.

"Is this about what happened yesterday?" Ed gave a nervous laugh. "I can explain." He paused. "Nope, no, I got nothing."

He raised an eyebrow.

Ed paled.

Mustang probably should have walked away then and there. After all, he was a Colonel. They were supposed to be the responsible, calm and collected members of the military.

And then he remembered falling flat on his face in front of Fuhrer Bradley. That was neither calm nor collected. And that was all it took to convince Mustang that he should get his revenge.

He gave the shelf a slight push and then walked away slowly, whistling inconspicuously.

"OH MY FREAKING GOD IT'S GOING TO CRUSH ME!"

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**A/N:** All the chapters are going to be fairly short, so I'll make sure to post at least two a week :)


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: **Part one of Ed's retaliation! Part two will be coming soon :) I just want to say thanks to all who've reviewed so far, they've been really nice to read :)

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3. Beware the Measuring Tape

Riza Hawkeye sat at her desk, filling out the paperwork that the Colonel should have been doing. Speaking of whom, she could see him through the window of the office talking to Havoc in the hallway.

_He can't even stand up on his own,_ she thought as she noticed him leaning casually on the wall.

Something in the corner of the window caught her eye, and she stared. Edward came rolling into view – _literally _rolling across the floor – and then he smoothly flattened himself against the wall, peering around the corner at Mustang. A loud clunking followed and a familiar suit of armour came rolling after Ed, hiding behind the wall in a similar, if a little clumsier, manner.

Ed suddenly pulled something out of his coat and he pointed it at the Colonel threateningly. Riza tensed. _What are they doing?_ He nodded in satisfaction, and whispered to Alphonse excitedly.

_Is that…measuring tape?_

Alphonse made a series of complex hand signs, which Ed returned. The younger Elric nodded and took off his helmet. He rolled it out in front of the Colonel and Havoc.

"What the hell?"

"Is that…Alphonse?"

Mustang moved away from the wall and Ed crept silently behind him, brandishing the tape like a shield. He rolled it out and carefully read the measurement.

Then he tripped over.

And lurched forwards.

The tape brushed against the Colonel's hair. He frowned – and turned around. Seeing nothing there, he looked back at the helmet.

Ed breathed a sigh of relief and removed his genius disguise. The leafy branch fell to his side and the young alchemist went back to squinting at the tape. He finally seemed to get a result and he winked at his brothers' disembodied head.

It was at that moment that Havoc decided to turn around.

He stared at Edward, and opened his mouth to speak. He didn't get very far, because in the next instant Alphonse had clamped a hand over his mouth and dragged him away.

Riza watched the Colonel in dismay. _Is he seriously so easily distracted?_

"What are you doing, Fullmetal?" He asked, and she breathed a sigh of relief.

Ed jumped guiltily. "Uh…um…RUN FOR IT AL, HE'S ONTO US!"

Riza put her head in her hands. Sometimes she had the strangest feeling that she was the only sane one there.


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N: **Part two of Ed's plan! Hope you like it!

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4. Useless When Wet

Mustang looked at the clock in front of him surreptitiously, aware that Lieutenant Hawkeye was watching him like… well, like a hawk. He was too tired to even appreciate the irony of that statement.

_2 minutes left…_

_Finally!_ He got up and stretched his arms cheerfully. "Well, that was a _very_ productive day, Lieutenant, but if you don't mind I'm going to take off now-"

He reached the door and saw Riza open her mouth to reply. Before she could, he had yanked open the door and darted through, grinning like a madman.

Then he heard a click.

And a single drop of water fell on his head.

He looked up, dreading what he was going to find.

Without warning, a huge stream of water came flooding down on top of his face. He spluttered, waving his arms hopelessly.

"Ha! That'll teach you to prank a perfectly innocent alchemist!" Ed's smug voice pierced through the water currently flooding his ears.

Mustang growled. "You little shrimp! I'll get you for this!"

He got up and ran towards the young alchemist, who yelped and sprinted in the opposite direction.

…

Ed ran for his life. He knew from first-hand experience what would happen to him if he let himself get caught. Supressing a shiver, he turned the final corner and grinned.

_There it is,_ he thought mischievously.

He ran straight through the open doorway in front of him, hair just about brushing the wide band of clear tape that he had planted there a few hours ago. It ran across the width of the doorway, lightly stuck to either side of the doorframe. If his calculations were correct, it was perfectly adjusted to the height of the flame alchemist.

The unsuspecting Colonel rounded the corner, running full pelt towards him.

He reached the doorway – and got hit flat in the face by the tape. It ripped away from the doorframe and wrapped around Mustang's head as he staggered and fell into the room.

Ed raised a conveniently placed camera. "Say cheese, Colonel!"

Mustang ripped off the tape from his face. "Agh! You're gonna pay for this, Elric!"

He just continued taking pictures.

His victim smiled suddenly. "You do realise what you've just done, don't you? You've just proven that you're short!"

Edward froze.

_No…_

His ultimate plan had backfired.

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**A/N:** Reviews are always welcome! (hint hint) Next chapter will hopefully be up on Friday :)


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N:** I was a little late posting this chapter, so sorry about that. But anyway, it's time for Mustang to make his move!

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5. The Art of Misdirection

Mustang rolled his neck slowly, trying to rid himself of the tightness. Ed's prank had worked better than he thought. Now it was his move, and he needed something spectacular to get Fullmetal back once and for all.

Second Lieutenant Havoc walked out of an office, the glass door swinging behind him. Mustang watched the door close thoughtfully. From a certain angle the glass was almost invisible to the naked eye, only identifiable by the silver handle.

A devious grin spread across his face, and he ran to catch up with Havoc.

…

Ed sprang to his feet. "Al did _what_?!"

"He walked too close to the dump. The magnet they use to separate the rubbish caught him. You'd better get down here, Ed, it looks messy." Havoc's voice came through the phone.

He didn't hesitate and walked hastily out of the office. He absently noticed Havoc through the corner of his eye, but hurried on, not bothering to question why he was there instead of with Al. If he had turned around, he would have noticed the Second Lieutenant flounder uselessly before conspicuously sprinting in the opposite direction.

He reached the exit. Mustang stood there, hand resting on the handle of the glass door as if he were about to leave. He looked up – or to be more accurate, _down_ – at the approaching alchemist, and moved aside, opening the door for him.

Not realising how suspicious this act of kindness was, Edward walked straight through the doorway.

Only to find that the door was still there.

He crashed into it and fell back to the floor, holding a hand over his now bleeding nose. "What the hell…?"

Then he noticed what the Colonel held in his hand. He looked back at the door and held his head in his hands.

In Mustang's hands was a silver handle, unattached from the door itself. Ed growled in annoyance. The colonel had just swung the handle out away from the door – and he had fallen for it.

"The art of misdirection is a cruel one, don't you think, Fullmetal?"

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**A/N: **As always, review and let me know what you think! :D


	6. Chapter 6

**A/N:** I know it's _very_ short this time, but this is just to give you a taste of what's to come... ;)

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6. Intermission

Edward Elric skulked into the store, hands in his pockets, shoulders slumped grumpily. He went straight to the children's section, muttering to himself as he searched for the perfect object to complete his next prank.

"Stupid Colonel…him and his stupid 'art of misdirection'…I'll show him how to do a prank _properly_…he'll never know what hit him…"

Then he saw what he was looking for and grinned manically. Until he realised it was high up on the top shelf.

_Damn…_


	7. Chapter 7

**A/N: **Sorry about the delay, but Chapter 7 is finally up! :)

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7. The Weapon of Impending Doom

Ed grinned. Never let it be said that being vertically challenged was enough to get in the way of a good prank. With a little alchemy, a sharp mind, and a brother in six-foot tall armour, he would _never _have to reach for anything again.

He crouched down behind Mustang's car, holding his Weapon of Impending Doom in his hands.

A sudden series of suspicious owl hoots alerted him to the presence of the Colonel, and he raised a hand slowly. Ed peered under the car, watching the Colonel's shoes coming steadily closer to the car. He was talking to someone, but Ed didn't give it much thought. He was hell-bent on getting his revenge, nothing more.

The shoes stopped advancing – still too far from the car. Ed gritted his teeth in annoyance, failing to notice the smaller pair of shoes coming into view by the Colonel's. Then the Colonel stepped forward…

And Ed sliced his hand down through the air, sending the signal and officially putting his diabolical Plan into action. Alphonse Elric burst up through a conveniently placed snowbank on the side of the road, yelling at the top of his voice.

Mustang gave a very manly yelp, shoes momentarily disappearing from the bottom of the car as he jumped into the air.

The young alchemist took his chance, and while the Colonel was busy staring at Al in shock, he jumped out from behind the car and used his Weapon of Impending Doom, hurtling it full force at the Colonel.

The man in question shouted in surprise as a 24'' Jump N Bounce Space HopperTM whacked him on the back of the head. He lost his balance and hurtled forward into the person who was with him.

And that was when Ed finally realised who it was.

General Armstrong.

Who was _not_ pleased to have Colonel Mustang collide with her. The Elric brothers watched in satisfaction as Mustang ran for his life, followed by a very angry – and undeniably vicious – General Armstrong.

Ed smiled. It wasn't the most inventive of plans, but anything that ended with watching his superior officer getting pummeled with a space hopper was worth it.

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**A/N:** As always, please review! Thanks to all those who have reviewed, followed or favorited this fanfic so far!


	8. Chapter 8

**A/N:** I just want to say a big thank you to all who have reviewed, followed or favorited this story so far :) You guys are all amazing

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8. Glue of Many Uses

_Thank you for using Loctite, home of the completely Original and Authentic Superglue –_

_What the hell?_ Mustang looked down at the bottle again.

_Perfect for all your gluing needs, strong enough to glue everything from paper to elephants…_

He grinned. Ed was by no means an elephant - more a pixie in Mustang's mind - so this was perfect for what he had in mind. He crept through the door, spying the young alchemist snoring in the corner. Apparently, he hadn't learnt from the last time that he should never sleep in the office.

Then he noticed Ed's shoes on the floor beside him. Evil thoughts started to form in his mind. He had originally been planning to glue Ed to his chair, but his new plan was so much more diabolical.

He crept forward, armed and ready with his Superglue.

…

Ed's eyes snapped open. Blaring alarms were echoing through the halls of HQ, and he could see soldiers running all over the place through the doorway. He sprang to his feet and stumbled over to his shoes, trying to blink the sleep out of his eyes.

He slipped his feet into his shoes, and made to run forward.

His shoes didn't move.

Completely caught off guard, he slammed straight down onto the floor, face-first – straight into the pie that someone had conveniently placed there. But it didn't hit his face, oh no, that would be the _polite_ thing.

It hit him square in the chest, splattering his chin with pastry.

"I AM NOT THAT SHORT, MUSTANG!"

Geez, if you were going to set off the alarms in HQ just to glue someone's shoes to the floor without them knowing and hit them with a pie in the face as they fall, you could at least do it_ right._


	9. Chapter 9

**A/N: **Sorry about the delay in updates, I've been busy with exams :/ Anyway, here's the new chapter you've been waiting for, and there are three more to follow! Quick side note: I've promoted Mustang in this chapter so the references in my next few chapters will make sense :)

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9. The Briefcase

Mustang drummed his fingers on his desk impatiently. Things had been quiet recently. Too quiet.

What was Fullmetal up to?

He wasn't going to lie – he was beginning to get slightly worried by Ed's lack of reaction. Unless…unless it was so evil that he needed _more than one day_ to plan. He shivered.

Mustang got up purposefully. If Ed wasn't going to make his move, he may as well do something instead.

Casually reaching into his wardrobe, he pulled out a black briefcase, shaking out everything that was inside it.

…

Ed stalked into HQ the next morning, wracking his brains for something evil to prank Mustang. _Why is this so hard?_

He sat down at his desk, looking at his to-do list for the day:

_- Make to-do list _

___- Prank the Colonel_

_- Destroy the One Ring in Mordor _

He sighed heavily, feeling sorry for himself.

Then he saw Mustang coming down the corridor towards him. He noticed the ominous-looking black briefcase that the Brigadier General held, and his hand twitched instinctively towards the paintball gun under his desk.

"Hello, Fullmetal." Mustang said, a little too breezily.

"Hello," he replied suspiciously.

Mustang rifled overtly through a few documents in the filing cabinet at the far end of the room, setting his briefcase down by the door. After a few minutes of this, he pulled a file out of the cabinet and walked out of the room casually – leaving the briefcase behind him.

"Hey, wait, you forgo-"

As soon as he started talking, Mustang darted around the corner and Ed could hear his rapidly receding footsteps down the corridor.

Ed looked at the now Mustang-less doorway.

And then he looked down at the increasingly intimidating briefcase.

_Huh._


	10. Chapter 10

10. Stalemate

Ed sat on his chair in the corner of the room, a safe distance from the briefcase that was now blocking his only escape route.

He glared at it sceptically.

It just sat there.

Emboldened by the lack of explosions, he wheeled his chair forward a few inches.

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**A/N: **As always, please review!


	11. Chapter 11

11. The Genius of Edward Elric

It had been half an hour since the briefcase had been abandoned in Ed's room, and Ed was…still in the corner.

But he hadn't wasted his time.

No, for in that half an hour, he had crafted a very practical and highly ingenious Investigating Device – a.k.a. Long Stick of Pencils.

He carefully manoeuvred the stick so it reached across the room to the briefcase. Gathering up his nerves, he poked it. It fell to the side and Ed ducked down behind his desk, fingers in his ears.

Nothing happened.


	12. Chapter 12

12. The Secret Behind the Briefcase

After another hour of pointless staring, Ed finally got up and put on his red coat indignantly, walking across the room towards the briefcase.

He was a state alchemist who had survived being targeted by an Ishvalan serial killer, evaded dying in the belly of a Homunculus with severe indigestion problems, and defeated a clone of his father with a serious God complex, so he'd be damned if he was going to let Mustang's stupid trick scare him.

Reaching the briefcase, he yanked it open before he could lose his nerve.

The balloon inside popped with a startling bang, and Ed screamed.

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**A/N:** Please review :)


	13. Chapter 13

**A/N:** Sorry about the late update, but unfortunately exams are just around the corner now :( I'll be posting new chapters slightly later now, but three or four at a time. But anyway, Ed makes his move!

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13. Volunteer Work

"Congratulations, Colonel!"

"It was great of you to step up like that!"

"You're a real hero!"

Mustang frowned. He'd been getting comments like that all day, and it was slightly unnerving. If Fullmetal had wanted to play with his mind, it was working. He'd been so on edge waiting for Ed to make his move, he'd been jumping at the smallest things.

Hawkeye still hadn't forgiven him for pointing a gun at her dog.

Then Falman entered his office, beaming from ear to ear.

"Yes? What is it, Falman?"

"I just wanted to thank you, sir. You have no idea how long I've been on that damn waiting list, and now I find out that you were the one who volunteered!"

Mustang nodded along solemnly. "For what exactly?"

Falman looked confused. "For the kidney donation, sir."

His eye twitched.

"Oh yes, of course. The…the kidney donation. Right."

"I just wanted to let you know that I've already filled out the paperwork, and it's all official now."

His other eye twitched, and he felt the irrational urge to check if all his organs were still in place. He'd recently learned _never_ to underestimate the evil that was Edward Elric, a lesson that he'd perhaps learnt a little too late.

"Great. That's…great."

Falman grinned and left the office.

Mustang found himself sweating. How was he going to get out of this one? He was actually considering going through with it out of sheer awkwardness.

Then Ed himself came walking by his office. The young alchemist looked triumphant until he noticed Mustang's expression.

If looks could kill…

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**A/N: **Just want to say a quick thank you to all who have reviewed, especially Pandoru :) That has got to be the longest review anyone has ever posted on one of my stories, and it was lovely to read. Thanks also to Res Nullius, Faliara and Raggs Princess for your frequent reviews :)


	14. Chapter 14

14. Bribery Most Foul

His plan had taken a very long time to put into motion, but now that it was, Ed couldn't help but grin manically to himself. All it had taken was a little effort, a bit of ingenuity, and a box of sweets.

The sweets had been for Falman, of course. He'd never have agreed to participate without them.

He stopped in the middle of forging Mustang's signature, wondering whether making him think he was going to go through surgery was going too far. Then he remembered how fast the video of him with the briefcase had been passed through HQ, and he shrugged off the thought.

Besides, he was curious to see how things would turn out.


	15. Chapter 15

15. Up In Smoke

After seeing how things had turned out, he was sorely regretting his earlier curiosity.

He left the ruined remains of his Secret Hideout (aka Room Next-Door to Mustang's), wincing as he stood.

It had almost worked – almost. Mustang was just about to accept the fate that Ed had imposed upon him and go through with the surgery, but then everything had gone fatally wrong.

Mustang had found his Secret Hideout.

Ed would have liked to say that he had kept his cool, but unfortunately, that wasn't true. And after having his desk explode in a fiery explosion, seeing all his plans for future pranks go up in smoke, and, perhaps most fearful of all, seeing the Colonel blow his top, he felt that his reaction was perfectly justified.

It was safe to say that what little dignity he had left had been completely destroyed. Along with his Space Hopper.

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**A/N:** Unfortunately, it's getting more and more difficult to come up with new pranks, so this fanfic may be ending soon - but I'll probably manage to get around seven or eight more mini chapters in. If anyone has any ideas that they are willing to share, I'd be really grateful if you could PM me about them :)


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